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Ye GODS!

I thought I’d make a blog on blogger, for all my foody diety stuff but OH EM GEE, I hated it! So I have moved back over here, I have so many blogs on the go with so many usernames I have whiplash but oh well ūüėÄ

So yeah, this is me, whinging about food now mostly, bet my whole 1 follower is dead pleased at that!

Today has not been good diet wise, cos all i’ve had so far is half a cup of coffee, most of that I spilt all over the place, gooooo me!

I can’t seem to get out of the crappy eating funk, and I really, really need to. ¬†Not even eating crap, just generally not eating well at all. ¬†No point crying i’m all fat and shiz if I can’t sort my life out.

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Blahblehbluh

Random vent here!

So, it’s an SL related vent. ¬† Part of me is like “gurrrrl, you should not let this be bothering you”, part of me is all “Blahblehbluh”.. and another part, well, I just feel frustration!

I was banned from a popular event recently, one I have blogged religiously since the day the doors opened, the reason for this ban isn’t really that clear to me, because I’ve never really had an explanation (along with a couple of others bannees), but it seems it’s because it was thought I was involved on a managerial/partner of another event, which was not and is not the case, and I have explained my plight/case/woe/whatever to the appropriate parties and have been met with a wall of silence (well actually I wasn’t to start with, but after a brief conversation and what I thought was “sorting it out” it seems the wall went up). ¬†Now… why am I upset about this? ¬† Nine years I’ve been in SL in May, Nine… and this is the first time I have ever been banned from anywhere and what makes me frustrated is the fact that it is for no reason, I didn’t do anything wrong, or bad, I didn’t copy or steal, I didn’t make a huge fuss about anything, hell, I didn’t even do what it is I think they think I have done (confused much? join the club)… and it just leaves me… wanting to just scream.

If there is one thing in life I cannot abide, it’s being frustrated. ¬† Now, it’s well within anybodies rights in SL or RL or wherever to do whatever they please to whomever they please, for whatever reason.. but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating for those involved, especially when it’s all so seemingly.. silly, for want of a better word and don’t get me started on the use of words where this vent is concerned.

It’s not like I can’t wait for the items sold at any event as long as it’s not exclusive to be out in the main store, and I am more than happy to do that, but it just really riles me that as a customer I want to support creators I love that participate in said event, and can’t. ¬†Sure I could ask for the items direct, but why would I want to do that? ¬†I do actually get some of the items in the event sent to me via blogger lists I am on, but then I feel torn. ¬†Should I blog them? I want to, it’s not the creators fault, but do I want to showcase an event that I am not allowed to participate in? Not really. ¬† Do I want to be the bigger/better person? ALWAYS!… but not at the cost of my own self worth, which is how I feel about it on and off. ¬†I am worth more than that, jesus, it’s only pixels! Why am I so annoyed? ¬†I wish I knew, but I am, it really irks me and that probably is the reaction some might want when they ban someone, but I can’t for the life of me work out why you’d want that, unless you’re just not a very nice person, but I don’t think that’s the case. ¬†(I like to see the brighter side of things and the good in everyone, it’s a downfall, or maybe it’s a good thing).

I feel dumb for venting about this, and in the grand scheme of life, it’s nothing, not even a blip on a radar, but to me, on and off, it really fucking matters because I hate things that have no rhyme or reason behind them. ¬† Other people are participating on both a creator and blogger level for this event, AND the new one.. so why have I been singled out for punishment? ¬†Although technically I haven’t been singled out, I suppose. ¬†I’m not alone, except the others have more to do in the running of the new event, me? I’m just a mere ear/shoulder for them, my friends, and a lowly little blogger!

It’s things like this that other people seem to just shrug off and not worry about, but me? I mull things over that have no “closure” to them, of course the closure should be me accepting it, but I’m still struggling with that one a little as it all seems so ridiculous! ¬† I’m sure i’m not the first, nor last person that will feel like this over anything, but I probably am the only one that will let it bother me this much. ¬†What did I say in the last post? Always wear my heart and my feelings on my sleeve, sometimes it’s not a good thing, but hey, at least i’m honest!

Ok so I got to the end of this vent and I’m already feeling like I should be “shrug, move on, life goes on” about it, but I know next time I see someone rave about something and I go oooooooOoooOoooohh, then realise I can’t obtain it right now, I’m going to be all glumface again.

Some people have been really supportive and let me vent to them repeatedly, and some… have not, and that’s fine. ¬†Nobody wants to put themselves in the line of fire, especially not when the line seems to be random and all over the place, can’t say I haven’t been disappointed by a few things that have been said/done, but it has certainly made me analyse what I say, to whom, and look a bit closer at a few things.

I miss SL circa 2004-2006, when I felt that the community was tight knit and strong, and don’t get me wrong, I think it still is in some ways, and for some groups, but I miss my little group, the glory days have gone, and that’s another thing I need to understand and get past, 2006 ain’t ever coming back, Willis. ¬† Ever.

 

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Nuts.

Sometimes we are all a little nuts.¬† I’m kind of nuts at least one a month,¬† usually more.¬†¬† I’m a sad kind of nuts, I don’t do much during the nutty times other than feel sad.¬†¬†

I’m someone that wears my heart… and my nuts on my sleeve, and I think sometimes people don’t like that.¬†¬† You have a moment and voice it and then sit back and feel people are looking at you side eyeing, then you feel like you should apologise.¬†¬† I say you,¬† I mean me.

I’m not sorry for who I am though.¬†¬† I may be slightly nutty,¬† I may have emotions that take over more than they should,¬† but what you see is what you get with me,¬† no airs,¬† no graces,¬† no hidden agenda or sudden change of persona… just me.

I sometimes feel like peeking out and making friends,¬† then I’m sometimes reminded why it’s better to just keep your head up,¬† but your ass firmly behind that rock.¬† I have some amazinnnggg friends that will listen to me all day every day,¬† whether I’m being silly or serious,¬† then I have some that I thought were friends,¬† but I’m starting to think maybe we aren’t as friendly as I thought,¬† that makes me sad and kinda disappointed but it is what it is and I’m ok with that,¬† I’m not always the friend that reaches out,¬† but I am the friend that will always be there.

The thing about feelings and nuts.. is everyone has them,¬† everyone deals with their nuts differently.¬†¬† Some people put a mask on,¬† some people pretend they’re completely chirpy and LIFE IS SO GOOD DON’T WASTE IT.¬†¬† Yeah it is,¬† but don’t act like you don’t have bad days just because you aren’t as vocal about them.

I’m actually quite an upbeat person when it comes to other ppls problems,¬† it’s my own advice I can’t swallow often.¬†¬† So I may whinge,¬† I may be down,¬† I may voice it.. but I’m aware it’s just emotions.¬† My life is actually very blessed,¬† but I won’t lie that I have a bad day,¬† and I may want to whine about it,¬† it doesn’t make me any more nutty than everyone else,¬† I need to remember that.

I’m just #awkward.¬† My socks say so.

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Tired

The tired consumes me. ¬†It’s not your normal kind of wake up and go UGH I’m a bit sleepy tired, it overwhelms me. ¬† I think people think when I say “I’m tired” I just need a nap, it’s not that kind of tired… it’s so hard to explain.

I could nap, and nap, and nap… and I would still just want to cry I am that tired. ¬†Then the next step is suggesting a Doctor, yep, I’ve done that several times, nothing is every pursued.. it’s always just “Iron Tablets and better sleep”… yeah thanks Dr Obvious, not tried those before.

It’s my own fault for not pushing the Dr more, insisting on a blood test or something, although they did one once and my blood count levels were fine, despite as being as pale as sparkly vampire. ¬†I should change Dr’s really, mine are all crap. ¬†One has the most Ginger hair and beard you ever did see, and wears entirely yellow and orange clothing, right down to ties and shoes. ¬† He worries me a bit. ¬†The others all got their degrees out of Kinder Eggs, i’m sure.

Being tired is no fun for me, or anyone around me. ¬†I am so groggy in the mornings that I struggle to leave bed and sort myself out, but of course, being a parent, you don’t really get a choice! ¬†Then of course the grumps kick in, people like to mock my grumpiness, and usually I am just being a brat… but it’s really not funny lol. ¬†Sometimes it’s mocked and I think… it’s not funny! Don’t laugh at me, I’m suffering!!! But how would they know, Grumpy Willis (Heather) will throw a table in jest all the time, never do know when the table really is being launched. ¬†If I am truly grumpy, I tend to stay away.. because my fuse is short and not known to tolerate much without exploding.

Simon was mean to me this morning about it, and it’s ok… he doesn’t understand, how can anyone really truly understand how tired you are? They aren’t you.. but a bit of sympathy wouldn’t go amiss at times! ¬† So anyway I was all wah wah wah it’s irritating and he told me he knew exactly how irritating it was, and that upset me… I don’t mean to be irritating or mean or grouchy, I’m just soooooo tired it just comes out. ¬†Ah well. ¬†What am I doing to help myself? He asked… then the whole Dr convo came up again and then he suggested thanks to the internet, I may be depressed… he might not be wrong… but again, I have been to the Dr, ticked the little boxes honestly and nothing.

What is a girl to do!?

Well, I guess I should eat more veg and fruit, I started this morning with a Blush Pear, it tasted like shit and made my teeth feel furry. ¬†Good start. ¬† I do exercise more now, and I do feel good afterwards, I could up that but then I would feel like I live in the gym, I don’t like it THAT much. ¬†But we shall see, I may up it once a week or so, or even just try and go for half an hour, seems like a bit of a faff but if it helps, yay! ¬†Am I eating enough? HAAHAHAH yes. ¬†I think so, although on Monday My Fitness Pal told me I was 400 calories short, and I only eat 1450 a day. ¬†Ugh. I guess I should take more notice of what I’m shoving in. ¬†I really fucking love KFC Gravy tho.

Ok see now i’m cracking jokes, this is why people can’t tell when I’m serious!!!

Ok in all seriousness, I am thinking of switching Dr’s, because clearly mine are all sorts of craptastic and unhelpful, that’s if you ever get in to see them at all. ¬†Do you know how difficult it is to switch Dr’s tho! The questions they ask you! Tut. ¬† But I am going to have a look today, see if there are any near me taking new patients then HOPE someone actually takes me seriously.

I am tired, hear me yawn.

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One of *THOSE* days.

You know the ones, the ones where you’re tired and grouchy and irritable and people talk to you and you just want to audibly SIGH at what they say. ¬† IT’s one of *THOSE* days.

I was hungover yesterday, which seems stupid as I didn’t drink that much Saturday night, but alas.. I spent the day feeling quite bad, and usually the day after a hangover day I spend feeling tired, so it’s my own fault.

So it’s a Monday, one of those days, and I’m at work. ¬†I really just want to be curled up in bed, but nope. NO BED FOR ME! ¬† I’m feeling more tired than normal lately, ¬†i’m always tired though so it’s no surprise. ¬†People keep saying go to the dr, go to the dr, but I’ve been to the dr and he’s as useful as a chocolate teapot. ¬† I’ve started taking vitamins again, and I am going to dedicate time to making more effort with food. ¬† More fruit, more veg etc… I love it! I just never seem to have the time to do anything good with it, well that’s a crock of shit right there isn’t it? Who doesn’t have time to prep fruit and veg??? ¬†Again, my own doing. SIGH.

So I’ve started MFP again and counting calories, I have been watching what I eat, but not as religiously as before, and I’m tired of not losing weight. ¬†You eat “properly” (fine fine not that properly), you go to the gym 3 x a week and you don’t lose weight…. you start to get cranky. ¬† Of course I need to lift weights to see toning up happening, so going to have to introduce that into my workout but UGH that half of the gym is filled with fit men in tight shorts. I DON’T WANT TO VENTURE IN THERE WITH MY EXTRA (thousand) POUNDAGE! DAMMMN YOUUUUUUUU.

Ugh, I am in such a horrible mood. ¬†I want to actually punch myself. ¬†I shan’t though, it would hurt.

Yeah ok i’m going to stop whinging now. ¬†LATERS TATERS.

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Flappy McFlap

That is what I should be called. ¬†I am one of those irritating people that worry, about everything. ¬†Infact if I have nothing to worry about, I worry about not having something to worry about and I create a worry. ¬†It’s no way to live, I know! ¬†But I don’t take everything really seriously, I know i’m an emotional failure sometimes… but don’t take anything I say quite as seriously as perhaps you may, ¬†I like a good joke and a rant, but I’m always “OK”.

I decided a month or so back, to take a step back from SL. ¬†Because I just found I was anxious about everything, the drama, the people, the hate that you sometimes see flying around plurk/forums/wherever… of course I’m not one of these people that are like OMG SL IS CRAPPPP, it’s not, it’s bought me a lot of joy and I don’t think it’s a bad place, I think it’s what you make of it.. sadly I was letting things drag me down, which is my own fault… nobody elses, but I decided it was time to change it up a bit.

My day BEFORE I decided to step back kind of consisted of getting up early to grab half an hour on SL to get a picture for a blog done/prep a blog for release during the day, sort the kids out, get them to school, work 9-5ish, come home, do dinner, do mum related things, do house related things, try and grab time before bed to finish a blog/prep for tomorrows blog/shop on SL, then bed.

Doesn’t sound much fun does it? But to me it was semi normal. ¬†Simon and I aren’t a couple that sit and watch TV together at night, or things like that, I mean we do… but we can be doing other things too… mine was above, his was studying… but it just didn’t feel much like fun to me.

Now my day looks a bit more like have a lay in (WOOO!), sort the kids out, school, work, home, dinner, mum stuff/house stuff, RELAX… bed. ¬† ¬†In my relax time I read a bit more, watch tv a bit more, go to the gym, see my friends, cook/experiment with cooking, I’ve started volunteering at an Animal Shelter and sometimes… it involves SL! ¬† It doesn’t sound like much of a difference, but it is.

But this comes at a price. ¬† A few people have said to me “You’re the most dedicated blogger I know” and I often thought awww, that’s sweet! I have been blogging since 2006, back from the day of 1 or 2 bloggers peppered about, not the day of 10-20 new bloggers a day sprouting up while 100-200 (hahaha add another nought?) already have established and well loved blogs… it’s NOT as easy now a days, imo, to be recognised as a blogger, unless you have a really unique look, great pictures, an already established following, or in the most severe of cases (and yeah I could name a couple) you jam yourself up every available arse until you get 4000000 flickr views a day and blog for everyone on the grid… ain’t nobody got time for that.

What is this price? ¬†Well my stats are dropping and I have whinged to anybody and everybody that will listen about this (thankkks guisseeee)… I’ve gone from the odd 150 a day to around 60-100 a day, depending on if (and oddly enough, when) I blog. ¬†Of course the logical person in me says to myself … you, at one point, blogged daily, if not 2 or sometimes 3 times a day, and sometimes you crammed about 8 items into a post.. and now you blog when you feel like it, which at the minute seems to be averaging about every other day… and you’re on feeds, so your stats aren’t totally “true” anyway… and AND the most important bit… you’re having FUN with what you blog, it doesn’t feel like a chore, you don’t feel anxious or stressed, you’re taking time to do prettier picutres instead of bog standard ones, leaving your comfort zone and also, you’re a little bit excited about thinking of having a home in SL again and doing other things that don’t include blogging… how is this a bad thing?

It’s a stupid worry, right? If i’m feeling better in myself, apart from the tiny bit of anxiety about stats/views dropping, and I’m getting things done in RL I’ve wanted to do AND it’s making me want to log in SL a bit more and do what I’ve wanted (have fun, not be a machine)… what is there to worry about?

Of course I have the people that are like if you reach out to one person and make a difference, that is great, if you reach out to 50 that is great… if you are doing what you want to do and feeling better for it, THAT is great… and I agree with them, then I see people that are like “well if my stats were dropping i’d do more about it” and I think should I go back to doing it again? NO, of course I shouldn’t, it wasn’t making me happy.. but this is what I do to myself. ¬†I try and put myself first but never quite manage it, I’m more concerned about an SL blog than I am my own happiness, although I would be happier if I had 48 hrs in a day and could do everything I wanted to DO and retain my blog to the standard I used to, but.. I don’t.

I go through a huge stage of things like this. ¬†This is just my example at the moment, because it’s happening, but it’s not always SL related, and mostly it’s always something stupid, that nobody with a sane brain would worry about.

I’m a bit tired of being an emotional spaz. Truely.

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Oh. It’s Heart Day.

Valentines Day. It’s a bit like marmite,¬† you hate it,¬† you love it,¬† or you ignore it.¬†¬† I’m a girl that loves a bit of romance,¬† a treat,¬† a hug…¬† I’m also a girl that’s fairly spoilt,¬† so when every Valentines Day rolls around and it’s just like any other day I’m never quite sure whether to be relieved or upset.

Simon would say I’m unpleaseable,¬† he may have a point.¬† I love flowers but I have nowhere to put them,¬† I don’t really do fancy undies and he’d get the wrong size anyway (by golly if he got bigger than I wear there’d be trouble!).¬† Chocolates?¬† UMMMMM HI.¬† DIET *rageface*… so yeahhhhh he may have a good point.

So anyway today rolls around and I present him with a card and a look of horror crosses his face,¬† yep… another year without a card.¬† Am I surprised? Not really.¬† Am I upset?¬† Not overly.¬† Do I still want a card.¬† WHY YES I DO.¬† In his defense he said he’d ordered me a gift but it hadn’t arrived.¬† I think I got away with a giant ninja chinny reckon.

Our night ended with a slap up KFC,¬† which I jokingly complained about in the car,¬† saying he’d at least treated me to some fried chicken brains to which he so lovingly pointed out that I had infact paid for it myself.¬† Ahhh, it’s only been 15 years,¬† still time to learn.

Happy Heart Day,  mothertruckers.